


I Wanna Hold Your Hand

by Maraudererasmut



Series: Wolfstar Shorts [16]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Developing Relationship, Gen, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 07:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16214444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maraudererasmut/pseuds/Maraudererasmut
Summary: Sirius Black is ready to show the world that he's proud to be with Remus Lupin. Remus, on the other hand, would prefer to keep things a secret.At sixteen years old, the boys still have a lot of growing to do, learning that sometimes relationships take work.





	I Wanna Hold Your Hand

**Author's Note:**

> This short takes place the Monday after The Jacket. Remus and Sirius have only been boyfriends for a day and already the fights are starting... 
> 
> Remus and Sirius sure do bicker a lot in my stories, don't they? They have such drastically different personalities, so there's going to be a lot of butting of heads before they settle into a stable pattern. The guys just have to learn how to understand each other. 
> 
> Also, who are we kidding, we all know Sirius is the biggest drama queen at Hogwarts!
> 
> I promise, I'll eventually stop bullying these poor boys and give them a story where they don't argue and bicker!

Breakfast was over and Remus was making his way to class alone, having been the only marauder who woke up early enough to eat. As he meandered through the corridor, he felt a tap on his right shoulder. He gave an exasperated look to his left, only to find Sirius grinning beside him. Hair a tangled mess, tie undone, sleeves sloppily rolled up and converse instead of dress shoes; Sirius’ own version of the Hogwarts school uniform. With Remus dressed properly and his prefect pin gleaming on his sweater vest, the two boys made an amusing juxtaposition.

 

“Mornin’ Pads.”

 

“Mornin’ Moony!” 

 

Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand in his own and started leading him down the hall towards class. Moony didn't move. Padfoot turned around to find Remus with a look of panic on his face. He quickly pulled away from Sirius and shoved both hands in his pockets.

 

“What was that for?” Sirius didn't understand what was wrong. 

 

“I… I don't really want to, you know… do that...here.” Remus looked at the floor, suddenly very interested in the cracked cobblestones. 

 

“What, hold my hand?”

 

“Yeah…” Remus mumbled, not sure how else to explain it. He wasn't ready for the school to know that he was dating a man. He wanted to remain as inconspicuous as he possibly could within the student body. After all, this was not the only secret he was hiding.

 

“Yesterday, you said you wanted to be my boyfriend.” Sirius was starting to get annoyed, and Remus was worried that this could get heated.

 

“Shh, keep it down, Pads. We'll… we'll talk about it later, okay?”

 

Padfoot stared at Moony, completely incredulous. After a moment of processing, he turned around abruptly.

 

“Fine.”

 

“Sirius…” Remus had gone and upset his partner again. He was beginning to get tired of this song and dance.

 

“See you in class,” Sirius said, raising a hand goodbye while striding away. Lupin just stood there, watching him leave, irritated by the whole situation. He decided to wait a few minutes before going to class, giving Sirius some buffer time to calm down.

 

When Remus finally arrived in potions, he found James sitting next to Lily and Sirius next to Peter. Lupin was not entertained by this new seating arrangement. 

 

“Sirius… you… don't want to sit with me?”

 

“I'm sitting with Pete. You have a problem with that?” His voice was sharp and unkind. It struck a nerve in Remus, who grumpily searched the room for a vacant seat. There was only one left.

 

_ Severus Snape _ .

 

That was the last person in Hogwarts who Remus wanted to share a seat with. He took a deep breath and mustered all of his courage, sitting down next to the greasy-haired, racist twat. 

 

“Good morning, Severus.”

 

“Stuff it,  _ half breed _ ,” Snape mumbled under his breath, quiet enough that no one else could hear. 

 

_ What an amazing start to the day. _

 

Remus endured an entire potions lesson sitting next to his least favourite person in the school. No paper airplanes flew his way with secret notes from Sirius. No snickering was had about Slughorn’s painful drawl. No doodles were scribbled in notebooks, depicting hilarious situations that never failed to raise a giggle from the other marauders. This was the worst potions lesson that Remus ever had.

 

Class ended and Lupin made a beeline for Sirius, ready to start a fight with him.

 

“Oi, what was that back there?”

 

Sirius turned to look at Remus, cold grey eyes narrowed in anger.

 

“We'll talk about it later.” Sirius threw Remus’ suggestion back in his face, frustrating the lonesome werewolf even more. Exhausted from the stress of potions mixed with Sirius, Lupin decided he was done. He wasn't going to try to argue with Sirius.

 

The day rolled by and the boys avoided each other during classes. By the time lunch came around, Remus was joined by Lily, who noticed him sitting alone all morning. James sat down next to Sirius, trying desperately to figure out what had caused this sudden rift. Lily convinced Remus to leave lunch early and join her in the library. They made their way to their cozy nook and sat down.

 

“Hey, Remus. You alright?” Lily kept her voice quiet to avoid other students eavesdropping. 

 

“I… I don't know…”

 

“What happened?”

 

Remus looked at his friend, concern filling her bright green eyes. He knew she'd be understanding, but he still hesitated, worried about other students discovering them.

 

Lily quickly glanced around the library before discreetly pulling out her wand. 

 

“Muffliato,” she whispered, giving a small flick. Remus smiled. She caught on quick.

 

“What happened, Remus?”

 

“Sirius wanted to hold my hand… in the hall… in public. I… I didn't want that.”

 

Lily's shoulders dropped as her expression changed from concern to sadness. 

 

“Oh, Remus…”

 

Lupin couldn't tell if she was on his side or not.

 

“You know he's crazy about you, right?”

 

Remus raised an eyebrow.

 

“Oh?”

 

“He wouldn't stop complaining to James all potions long. Not to mention the way he looks at you…” 

 

This pep talk wasn't working. Remus was feeling guilty.

 

“But I don't want the whole school to know…”

 

“Remus, I understand that. I really do. But I think it's important that you see Sirius’ perspective. He does want the whole school to know.”

 

Remus gave Lily a look of dismay. 

 

“No, think about it. He's so happy to have you in his life. He wants to show the rest of the world how important you are to him. I get that you want to keep this a secret, but you should consider where he's coming from.”

 

Remus crossed his arms on the table and put his head down, hiding his face. He knew that Lily was right, that he needed to see things from Sirius’ perspective. In his heart, he knew that people knowing he was dating Sirius wasn't the worst thing that could happen. But the voice in the back of his head was relentless.

 

_ If they see you with another man, then you won't blend into the crowd anymore. You’ll always be in the spotlight. More people watching means more questions. They'll find out. Everyone will know. Your life will never be the same.  _

 

_ Stay hidden, stay safe... _

 

Remus wanted to tell Lily. He wanted to share what was really bothering him. He sat up and looked at her, considering revealing his secret for the briefest moment. The moment passed and reality sank in. He couldn't tell Lily. The more people who knew, the more dangerous it was.

 

“Hey, thanks for the chat, Lily.” It was all Remus could manage to say. He knew what he needed to do.

 

\--

 

Dinner had been another meal filled with tension and uncomfortable silences. Remus had decided to go upstairs early to avoid James’ judgemental stare. 

 

He was lying in his bed, staring across at Sirius’ bunk, wishing that his passive-aggressive prick of a boyfriend would just talk to him. As Lupin moped, there was a knock on the door.

 

“Moony, you up here?”

 

_ Time for another James speech. _

 

“Yeah, Prongs. Come in…”

 

The door opened. James marched into the room with an irritable Sirius trailing immediately behind him.

“You're grown-ass men. Act like it.” 

 

With that insult out of the way, James turned to leave. 

 

“Wait, you're not staying?”

 

James looked at Remus, clearly aggravated. He was generally very understanding when it came to marauder problems, but Sirius and Remus were getting on his last nerve.

 

“No, Remus. I'm not staying. I'm going downstairs to hang with Peter. You can join us when you've decided not to be bloody prats.”

 

The door slammed on his way out.

 

Silence hung in the air as the two boys avoided eye contact and sat in their respective beds. Remus was the first one to speak.

 

“I'm sorry, Pads.”

 

“Don't be. It's fine.” Sirius’ voice was bitter and his face sunken. Remus realized just how much of an impact this fight had on his boyfriend.

 

Lupin stood up and crossed the room, sitting down next to his Padfoot.

 

“I'm really sorry, Pads.”

 

Sirius looked at Remus, grey eyes glistening with tears.

 

“You're not really into me, are you…”

 

It was a statement, not a question, and it was filled with sadness and longing. Sirius was hurting and Remus had caused it.

 

“What? Of course I am, Sirius! I just...”

 

Sirius wouldn't let him finish his thought.

 

“You don't want to hold hands, you don't want to show affection, you won't even look at me if we're out with the guys! It's like I'm just some dirty little secret that you keep hidden away. Here I am, tiptoeing around all your needs, and you don't even care about me or how I'm feeling! Have you ever, for a single moment, stopped to consider that maybe I just want a  _ real relationship _ ? Maybe I want to be with someone who actually  _ cares _ about me?”

 

There were tears in Remus’ eyes as Sirius laid it on him.

 

“I just didn't want anyone to find out,” he said meekly.

 

“What, that you're gay? So  _ what _ ?!”

 

“I'm not gay…” Remus mumbled.

 

“Yeah, I can see that.” Sirius’ tone was cruel, and Remus was taken aback.

 

“Sirius, I like you. I want to be with you…”

 

“But what? But you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with a guy? But you don't actually have feelings for me? But you'll never actually  _ love _ me? But you’d be happier with just  _ breaking up?” _ Sirius was raising his voice, almost shouting. Remus wiped his tears out of his eyes.

 

“Sirius, stop…”

 

“But  _ what,  _ Remus? You like me, but  _ what?!” _

 

Sirius was fully yelling and Remus broke down. He didn't know how to talk to Padfoot when he was this angry. He didn't know how to put his thoughts into words that Sirius would understand.

 

Tears streaming down his face, Remus tried to answer.

 

“I don't want people to find out that I'm a  _ werewolf _ !” 

 

Remus covered his face to muffle his crying, trying desperately to get himself together. 

 

“That doesn't make any sense,” Sirius snapped.

 

Remus tried to talk to Sirius through sobs and panicked breathing.

 

“I...I...I thought if people saw us… I'd... I'd be more conspicuous… people would pay attention to me and and and… and I just… I didn't want them to look at me. Once they see me, they'll find out. I just don't want anyone to notice me. I don't want anyone to figure it out…I have to stay hidden...I'm so sorry, Sirius. I'm sorry… I'm sorry…”

 

Remus repeated his desperate apologies between heavy breathing and frantic sobs. Sirius sat there and let him cry for a bit.

 

“I... didn't realize.” That was all Sirius could muster. 

 

“How could you? You don't live your life in constant fear, knowing that if you mess up, even once, you'll be discovered! If… if people find out… I'll…” Remus choked up again. “I won't be able to come back to Hogwarts…”

 

Sirius wrapped an arm lovingly around his partner. 

 

“I'm sorry, Reme. I shouldn't have gotten mad...”

 

“No, no, you had every right to be upset.” Remus sniffled, drying his eyes. “I was thinking about myself, trying to stay safe. I didn't even think that this was important to you… I should have figured it out… I should have known… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…”

 

“Stop apologizing.” Sirius hated that Remus’ instinct was to apologize when anything went wrong, as if all the problems in the world could somehow be attributed to him.

 

Remus leaned into the side hug, tears dripping onto Sirius’ dress shirt.

 

“I'll be affectionate. In front of the guys. Around Lily. I promise. I'll… I'll hold your hand, too, if you really want. I shouldn't have pulled away… I should have thought about you…” He paused. “But… can we be...discrete? Please?” He was begging, hoping beyond hope that Sirius could understand where his fears were coming from.

 

“Of course,” Sirius said with a warm smile. “Discretion is my middle name.” He kissed Remus’ head and took in the smell of his precious Moony. Padfoot would do anything to protect his werewolf, and if that meant never getting to hold hands in public or show the world how amazing his new boyfriend was, so be it. 

 

“Thank you… for compromising…” Lupin’s voice was soft and ragged.

 

Sirius realized how important this was to Remus, how desperately he wanted to hide away from the world. Fears about Moony's wavering feelings disappeared; Padfoot had to trust that his boyfriend really did love him, despite never saying it and rarely showing it. He had to trust that Remus would stay by his side. 

 

“I love you, Moons.”

 

Remus didn't look up at Sirius. Instead, he nuzzled into Padfoot’s chest, inhaling deeply, relishing in the smell of stale smoke and worn leather. He wasn't ready to say it, but he knew what he was feeling.

 

_ I love you too, Sirius. _

 

“So… do you wanna tell James that we made up, or should I?” Padfoot asked, nudging his Moony.

 

“Eh… I vote we just stay up here. Make Prongs squirm a bit.” 

 

Sirius laughed, pulling Remus gently into his bed so that they could snuggle. 

 

“Let's make him wait a good, long while.”


End file.
